I Can’t Believe This Is My Real Body

So I get the phone call at 2:50 AM that My Son is done with work. My slow booty rolls out of bed and off I go to pick him up. I finally crawl back into bed around 4 AM and then my alarm starts going off at 6:45 AM. Pure disrespect honestly. 😂

I slowly drag myself out of bed, start my morning glow routine and get ready to film my morning vlog because NAD day is my favorite day of the week. I’m in the zone too. Having the best time. Probably one of my favorite vlogs I’ve ever recorded. I’m talking, laughing, fully in it… only to play it back and realize my microphone was flashing red the entire damn time.

Dead.

The damn thing died. 😂

So none of what I said even mattered and I had to turn the whole thing into a short 30 second clip instead. It is literally always weird shit with me.

So anyways I move on with my day and head off to Life Time to see the guy helping me strengthen all my tiny stabilizer muscles and work on my back adjustments. At one point he looks at me and goes, “Damn… your muscles just keep getting bigger.”

And honestly y’all the secret to my muscles finally reappearing and my body slowly healing isn’t some crazy six day a week gym obsession. It’s consistency and everybody’s consistency looks different.

I am built for strength.

I am not built for endurance.

My body can realistically handle working out about 2 to 3 times a week and it needs proper recovery in between. Plus let’s be honest my career is physically demanding already. Every massage I do is basically resistance work especially now that my body mechanics are finally functioning properly again.

I’m literally building muscle while I work.

My legs are stronger.

My arms are stronger.

My back is stronger.

Especially when I get to do deep corrective tissue work because that’s my jam. It always has been.

So anyways from there I head over to Palm Beach Tan to go sit in the salt room, the far red and infrared sauna and just sweat everything out for awhile. Then I sit under the stem light before heading home.

Then I come home and start dealing with all of My Son’s work stuff trying to get things arranged, consistent, set up and figured out so he can keep moving forward. Hopefully within the next few weeks I’ll finally be able to get him his Meta glasses.

Y’all all of these workers have been trying to get this figured out since February and then his job coach got added in April so now there’s even more people involved and half the time nobody’s communicating with each other or keeping everybody in the loop and honestly it’s been such an unnecessary headache.

The amount of run around for absolutely no reason is exhausting.

Like look… I know my shit and momma bear is coming out hard at this point. 😂

I’m trying to advocate for my son while also trying to keep everybody on the same page and sometimes it feels like I’m the only one making sure all the moving pieces are actually moving together.

He’s still enjoying his job though and honestly that makes me so happy.

But this momma’s gotta learn her new routine better so she can continue taking care of herself too. It’ll take time but we’ll get there.

Then on top of that I’m dealing with another company because as you guys know I also work with the medically fragile special needs community and sometimes getting paid from them is one of the hardest things in the world. There’s basically no communication until you finally stand up for yourself and throw it all out there and then suddenly everybody wants to communicate. Half the time it makes you feel like you’re being gaslit and honestly it’s exhausting.

So then I head out the door to go see two of my medically fragile little guys and they seriously just make my heart so warm.

Y’all I was dying laughing because one of my little guys both times I dropped his sacrum back into alignment he immediately started pooping. Oh my God I freaking love my job so much especially when shit like that happens and I literally mean shit. 😂

I seriously live for this work.

So from there I realize I’m down to one line of gas and my car says I have five miles left.

FIVE. 😂

Y’all I never let my car get that low especially since she’s older now and if anybody knows me it’s always weird shit happening. My AC is out, I need a new filter and now my front brakes are squeaking and need to be replaced before I completely lock them up.

My friend that fixed my rear brakes was literally like, “Yo dude you’re lucky we did these now.”

Between managing My Son’s schedule, special needs schedules, my business schedule, trying to take care of myself, filming a morning vlog, writing a nightly blog and writing a memoir… honestly some days I really don’t know how I do it either.

I literally had three people today tell me they needed my energy and they don’t know how I do it.

Truthfully?

I don’t either. 😂

But the crazy thing is the more I do the happier I become and the more energy I seem to have.

So after I leave the gas station my girlfriend calls me completely full of anxiety after having to leave work early and honestly… I’m here for it. I get it. No judgment coming from this woman because we’re all fucked up in our own ways and we all have our own weird shit and our own trauma.

We all need somebody safe to lean into when something inside of us gets activated and we’re just having an off day.

I understand that feeling deeply.

Just because I’m slowly getting to the other side of some of my own trauma doesn’t mean it magically disappears because let me tell you if I hear sirens or fire alarms my heart still races immediately.

So anyways after that I shit you not a whole family of freaking ducks had me trapped at a stoplight for like five solid minutes while they waddled their cute little asses across a busy street. 😂

Meanwhile I’m over here panicking because cars are flying around them and my little heart is like OH MY GOD THESE POOR DUCKS.

Needless to say the ducks survived and I finally made it home with a full tank of gas.

At this point my brain was absolutely cooked so I took the dog for a walk and while I’m walking out still in my gym clothes one of the ladies in my building goes, “Damn girl you’re looking so good these days. Your muscles are popping.”

Okay y’all clearly I’m not imagining this anymore because between people telling me they want my energy and people noticing my muscles obviously something is shifting.

I’m still struggling to fully see it myself but I’m trying.

Because I know how hard I’ve worked the last few years to get where I’m at and especially the last six months. I’ve really been putting in the work.

So then I head to my office for one massage and we end up having amazing conversations and setting up plans to hang out at Life Time, go hiking and spend time by the pool because y’all the pools are finally open.

But before I can fully enjoy pool season I realized something hilarious.

My body has changed so much that I literally have no swimsuits anymore. 😂

So now I actually have to spend money on myself and buy new swimsuits because I deserve to enjoy my pool this summer. I’ve lived here for two summers and I’ve only used the pool one single time and that was the first week I moved into the building.

Last year I was in school full time, working full time and taking care of My Son.

This year I told myself I’m changing my work schedule because I deserve to enjoy my life a little bit too. I’ve worked my ass off to get here and it’s okay for me to finally exhale a little.

So then later on I ended up talking to a friend I hadn’t talked to in a couple days and honestly it was probably one of the best three hour conversations I’ve had in a really long time.

Sometimes we overthink things and sometimes we need space so we can stay strong and sometimes that space is so we don’t shrink ourselves anymore.

Okay maybe that’s just me but that’s how I work.

I’m very direct.

I’m very deep.

I don’t know how to do surface level and I don’t know how to do fake.

I literally speak things the way I see them and the way I feel them and because I recognize patterns and notice things other people may not notice yeah sometimes it can come off as a lot.

So pause if you need to pause but don’t just vanish.

And if something feels overwhelming just say that.

Seriously it’s not that hard.

I promise with me honesty will always go further than silence ever will.

So anyways now I’m laying in bed with my dog writing this blog thinking I seriously could not have had a better day until my cousin called me to tell me one of my aunts suddenly passed away.

This was the aunt who loved clowns and she was also my dad’s god mom which feels especially weird because just a few days ago on the 24th it was my dad’s birthday and if y’all remember he’s been gone for over eight years now.

Life is so strange sometimes.

One single day can hold funny things, sad things, healing things, exhausting things, weird things, grief, happiness, growth and gratitude all at the same time.

But even through all of that I’m still completely grateful to be who I am and where I’m at in life because after everything I’ve been through I genuinely couldn’t ask for a better life.

And honestly some days I still cannot believe this is my real body.

If your nervous system needs a place to exhale, I offer trauma-informed massage, head spa treatments, and advanced skincare at 888 Spa MN—where real life and real healing meet.