No More Maybeish

Woke up at 6:15 this morning completely on my own and my brain immediately started running. No alarm. No nothing. Just instantly thinking. Lately I’ve been realizing I still have a few people in my life that keep me sitting in this weird maybeish category and honestly I think my nervous system is getting tired of it. Before I even got out of bed I started writing and somehow all my weird shit blog energy turned into memoir energy instead. Before my glow routine… well what’s left of my glow routine currently because I waited too long to reorder and now I’m down to like two products and irrationally sad about it 😂

So I ended up posting the beginning of The Level 5 Label to Substack and not even long after my phone goes ping. New email. New Glow customer. I literally just laid there staring at my phone like well alright then because this keeps happening lately. The second I stop shrinking myself or overthinking every damn thing life immediately responds.

Then my brain drifted back into this whole maybeish thing because all weekend I waited to hear from a friend I hadn’t talked to in years. She promised she had changed and said she already had a sitter lined up and wanted to do lunch and maybe go hiking. Meanwhile I’m over here the type of person where if I say I’m showing up, I show up. If I make plans, I follow through. That’s how trust gets built for me. So when people’s actions and words don’t line up I notice it really fast.

And honestly this morning it hit me that maybeish doesn’t just waste emotional energy, it steals experiences too. Here I was waiting for my phone to ping when I could’ve been out on the back of a motorcycle with the wind in my hair clearing my mind instead. I didn’t stop living completely but I definitely let opportunities pass me by because I was emotionally parked in uncertainty.

And the thing is I know I do this to myself too. My mind and body hold onto possibilities and hope and potential because my whole life I was basically trained to believe if I just held on long enough eventually the good would come. Honestly it usually did. So now my nervous system struggles to tell the difference between healthy hope and keeping myself emotionally stuck in maybeish situations.

What’s wild though is while I’m literally sitting there writing all this one of the maybeish people text me 😂 but weirdly this one felt different. Instead of instantly getting frustrated something in me softened because maybe this one isn’t actually maybeish anymore. Maybe some relationships really do just take time to rebuild safely. Friendships are hard and family can be even harder and I think part of this next phase of healing for me is learning discernment instead of just looping myself to death trying to figure out where I stand with everyone.

By 9:45 in the morning I was already emotionally exhausted and heading to therapy and honestly therapy was GOOD today. Like really good. I ended up having this huge breakthrough about why authority figures trigger me so much while at the same time I still seek validation from authority figures even though I should be able to trust myself as my own authority figure by now. Which honestly makes complete sense looking back over my life.

Then because apparently my life is written by a chaotic screenwriter I leave therapy and head to City Hall to renew my massage license for Apple Valley and there are literally swarms of cops everywhere outside 😭 I’m just standing there trying to peacefully process my therapy breakthrough while the universe is over here adding dramatic visual effects to my day.

Honestly it’s no wonder my body needed a recovery day Sunday and Monday because look at this damn Tuesday already. Last week I had dry needling done in my hamstrings praying it would finally open up the rest of my left side and apparently it worked because after Sculpted Warrior Saturday my glutes and legs hurt so bad Sunday and Monday. Apparently my butt muscles finally decided to wake up and start participating in life again 😂 but seriously my muscles are finally firing correctly together instead of other areas overcompensating all the time and I can literally feel the difference.

And somehow after ALL this it’s only 2 PM and I’m just now seeing client number one. Within minutes I’m already having to stop them from getting undressed before I even shut the curtain and closed the door because once clients build a bond with me apparently they completely forget other humans exist in the hallway 😭 I’m over here like WHOA HOLD UP people can literally still see you.

Then my second client comes walking in carrying the biggest raspberry macaroon I have ever seen in my life 😂 and we ended up laughing because she told me she stood there debating what to get me because she wanted it to feel perfect and special but also something she would enjoy too. Then she looks at me and goes, “Because you deserve something sweet.”

And honestly after the entire morning I had… that one hit me right in the feelings a little bit.

Because isn’t that weird? I spent the whole morning processing maybeish relationships, wondering where I stand with people and whether I’m fully chosen in certain connections, and then life quietly sends me a giant raspberry macaroon from a client who thoughtfully stood there trying to pick something special for me.

The universe really does communicate in the weirdest ways sometimes 😂

The funniest part is that was only client number two and I still had two more clients plus a live facial tonight. Which honestly ended up being the perfect ending to the day. I went live on Facebook and TikTok doing another facial and I’ll be uploading the video to YouTube too because apparently the weird shit truly never stops around here.

Some days are quiet. Some days are chaos. Some days are breakthroughs. And some days somehow manage to be all of it at once. Today was definitely one of those days.

If your nervous system needs a place to exhale, I offer trauma-informed massage, head spa treatments, and advanced skincare at 888 Spa MN—where real life and real healing meet.