Pup Cups and Existential Thoughts

So today started normal right lol. I wake up extra tired because apparently too much sleep is a thing and my brother’s dog Daffnie would not leave my side all night. Honestly though, how special is it to have an animal curled up right next to you the entire night? I’m pretty sure eating over half a large thin crust pepperoni pizza from Pizza Hut, half the garlic cheese breadsticks, and maybe half of that giant cookie before I passed out probably helped too.

It was my way of saying thanks Dad. I love you.

My dad would’ve been 66 if he was still alive, but unfortunately he died at 57 from pancreatic cancer eight years ago now. It’s wild how fast time flies because I’m sitting here releasing short stories of my memoir like him and I always talked about while my business is booming at the same time. I never could’ve dreamed this would actually be my real life.

The only thing missing is the future husband. The partner to grow and evolve with. The security blanket at night to fully drop the guard with, but I am preparing for him. I know he’s coming when the time is right. It’s wild to think my fiancé has been gone for seven years now too and my brain spiraled a little thinking about how many dates I’ve actually gone on since then.

I only attempted to date like five guys in the first three years after my fiancé passed away and none of those lasted more than five weeks. Then from there I probably went on over 150 dates.

In April of 2023 I decided to get rebaptized and I made a pact with myself that the next man I slept with would be my future husband. It’s wild to think that pact has actually held strong… well all but the husband part lol.

But honestly when I really sit down and think about my history, the sexual abuse I survived, the way I used to allow men to treat me, and the fact only one man has touched my body in the last three years… that’s probably one of the biggest victories of my entire life.

I continued trying to go on dates here and there but nothing ever really panned out.

Then in February of this year I finally said fuck it. I’m gonna give this one last real try.

Create space. Show patience. Show up exactly as who I am and just see what happens.

And since March things actually have been evolving. Still distant. Still unsure. But I’m still holding the space because I’m stubborn as hell, over loyal, very self-aware, and completely fucking human. You don’t just give up because something is hard, especially when you know something in your heart.

Anyways back to the scheduled program.

I get out of bed, put my contacts in, take my morning capsules, turn on my cute little lights, and do my Glow Getter routine. It’s NAD day hell yeah. I record my morning vlog and then My Son wakes up so we start getting moving.

Get the dogs loaded into the car and head off to Caribou because obviously the pups need pup cups before their long hike and mom was definitely feeling like she might need a little white chocolate campfire mocha too. Finish the hike, get the pups loaded back into the car, get home, and get them fresh watermelon and blueberries because yes my dogs apparently get antioxidants and rehydration after hiking now 😂

Then we all come inside and do tick checks. So far so good.

And let’s not forget Daffnie jumped into the lake and damn near pulled me in with her not once but twice.

Then I laid down quick to make a Snapchat of our hike and I had a DM waiting from an old friend asking where my memoir was and when the book was being released. They said after all these years they’ve always wondered what my backstory was from watching me over time and I just sat there like ohhh shit… for real? This is real life now.

Now it’s like 2 o’clock in the afternoon and I think I’m gonna try to find a bikini that still fits me. Who freaking knows at this point because I’ve dropped 20 pounds and apparently I’m turning into one of those damn you’re solid muscle these days kind of humans because nothing fits right anymore.

I really wanna go enjoy the pool for a little bit though and work more on my memoir because honestly my brain has been in a weirdly reflective place today between Dad’s birthday, the message from my friend asking about the book, and realizing this weird little life I’m building is actually becoming real.

Aww shit I just realized I got two more stories of my memoir finished too. One dropped already and the other will be released in a couple days.

I officially have childhood through high school graduation done now. Well… for this part of the memoir anyways lol who freaking knows with me.

Wild to think I have all the chapters sitting on Substack now.

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