Spiraling Thoughts, Am I a Burden?

Got up, put on some eye makeup and honestly felt kinda cute today. Not as exhausted either because Evan got a ride home from work from one of his coworkers.

OHHH, I almost forgot I just dropped a new story on my memoir!

Did my Glow Getter routine while filming my get ready with me morning vlog, rinsed out my sinuses, and almost instantly my brain started spiraling.

Like why can’t I just stay quiet sometimes?

Should the truth even be said?

Will it even be received the way I mean it?

Like I don’t wanna bother you, you got your own shit going on.

Idk where I stand in your life or how you actually view me.

Idk what’s allowed and what’s not anymore.

What kind of relationships are these anyway?

See idk what healthy relationships even really look like. Friendships, family, romantic, any of it honestly.

I was always the person everybody called. I’d show up, take care of shit, handle whatever needed handled, then move on.

Now my life is shifting and I’m learning healthy and honestly… what even is healthy?

Are you allowed to ask people where you stand in their life?

Are you allowed to say the truth without feeling like a burden?

Are relationships supposed to feel safe or confusing?

Consistent or distant?

Idk.

I’m learning.

And honestly this whole thought spiral started because a friend said they’d help me with something tomorrow and I couldn’t even fully ask about it.

I danced around it, got all nervous, and couldn’t just be direct.

The thoughts instantly started like… did they really mean it though? They already have so much of their own shit going on, I can’t become a burden too.

Which is honestly wild when I’m usually the person everybody else comes to when they need help.

From there I headed to my office for an advanced facial. We did a dermaplane and I got a shit ton of laundry done because nobody else was there. Honestly amazing. The energy was so quiet and focused today.

Then I saw a husband and wife and had such a good time with them too.

After that I just kinda lingered at my office longer than normal. Sitting there thinking. Processing.

Because today I finally dropped the truth bomb.

Something I’ve been wanting to say for months now and I finally had the balls to say it. So now we’ll see what happens from it. Right now it’s just sitting there resting with the person and I won’t know how it was received until I hear from them.

That took a lot of fucking guts man.

I literally shook for like half an hour after I sent it.

But I’m learning though because I’m sitting here being 100% myself through all of it. Shaking through it and still showing up anyway. And honestly each time I go through something like this, I get a little less shaky every single time.

Then I came home and My Son had a friend over. They went and bought me a watermelon because I’ve been obsessed with watermelon lately which honestly made me ridiculously happy.

Then all of a sudden this wave hit me and I crashed for like an hour.

Woke up, ate a shit ton of watermelon, started processing more thoughts, writing out more visions for my business and my future and all this stuff that’s been living inside my brain.

And I’m sitting here like…

Wow.

This actually could become reality.

Like who the fuck am I these days?

I’m loving this version of myself.

Being human is honestly so wild and interesting sometimes.

If your nervous system needs a place to exhale, I offer trauma-informed massage, head spa treatments, and advanced skincare at 888 Spa MN—where real life and real healing meet.