The Devil Reached Me Through Survival Mode

I started my day like usual. Glow getter routine, filmed my vlog, trying to shake this weird funk I’ve been stuck in lately. Honestly I think dealing with Evan’s workers has just been slowly draining me. I’ve been waiting since February for answers and I’m getting real close to having to involve higher ups because the constant runaround is exhausting.

Then getting jolted awake the other day by the fire alarms going off really messed with me more than I realized. I could feel my whole body stuck in high alert trauma mode ever since. Short fused. Agitated. Like my nervous system just wouldn’t fully power back down.

So I went and sat in the salt infrared sauna for 30 minutes sweating my little butty off hoping it would help regulate me a bit. Came home, showered, headed to the office, but I still couldn’t completely shake the agitation sitting inside me.

First client was microneedling and holy shit her skin turned out beautiful. The pink glow afterward was unreal. We’ve been working on acne scarring and seeing the progress happening in real time honestly blows my mind.

Then my next client came in for a 90 minute session and the coolest thing happened. On the left hip I suddenly felt this huge rush of energy move through and all this old scar tissue literally started crumbling under my fingers. I know how weird that sounds, but if you do this work long enough you know exactly what I mean. By the time she left she was glowing. Radiating. It was so freaking neat to witness.

Somewhere in the middle of all this I got on the phone with one of my banks because I still had one left to update with the business name change. The guy on the phone was so rude to me because I couldn’t hear him. The line was crackly, he kept mumbling, and somehow we painfully survived the call.

BUT… I also officially signed up for Craniosacral 2 in October and ordered my workbook for the four-day training, which honestly made me so excited.

Then just before leaving for yoga I caved and played that little “the devil couldn’t reach me” game that’s been floating around online.

The prompt was simple.

“The devil couldn’t reach me so…”

And the response hit me way harder than I expected.

Oh, but he did.

He reached me by convincing me survival mode was love. By making me think being chosen in secret was enough. By teaching me to overgive, overexplain, stay loyal to people with one foot out the door, then call it “understanding.”

He reached me every time I accepted crumbs because at least they were consistent crumbs. Every time I silenced my own needs so someone else wouldn’t pull away. Every time my nervous system confused intensity, inconsistency, and longing with connection.

I sat with that realization all the way to yoga.

And then something weird happened.

My body answered back.

In January I could barely stay in downward dog.

Tonight my feet touched the floor.

And if you know yoga, you know exactly how huge that actually is. To have your feet fully planted on the ground in downward dog the whole time, every single time we came back into it… that’s massive for me. Five months ago that felt impossible.

Then I was able to actually lift myself off the ground into a back bend again and hold myself there on my wrists and ankles. It’s been years since I could do that successfully.

Then came the chest opener. One arm wrapped under the leg, the other behind my back, fingers connected while I kept stretching deeper into it instead of fighting it.

And by the end of yoga I dropped onto the floor and let out the biggest exhale.

The kind of exhale that feels like your body finally stopped bracing for impact.

And somehow I can even hold an airplay fly for about five seconds now. Five seconds might not sound like much to someone else, but when something once felt impossible, five seconds feels like proof.

I spent years curling inward to survive.

Tonight my body opened.

And honestly… I think that’s the part the devil hates the most.

After yoga Evan met me at Life Time, we came home, went through his orientation paperwork together, and I completely rearranged and dusted my bedroom. Now I’m laying here writing this feeling so much lighter while Yellowstone plays in the background.

If your nervous system needs a place to exhale, I offer trauma-informed massage, head spa treatments, and advanced skincare at 888 Spa MN—where real life and real healing meet.