Weird Shit Blog Update

Change Is Good... and Confusing

Well... I didn't see this one coming.

As life has evolved so fast, there just isn't as much weird shit happening anymore. That's actually a good thing. Back in March I thought everything changing around me was just a fluke. Looking back now, it wasn't. It was proof of what my new life was going to start looking like.

So the Weird Shit Blog is getting an upgrade. Instead of being a daily blog, it'll become a random blog when it fits. Real life is what I've been writing about anyway.

Klara will also be joining in on the Real Life Blog from time to time. I'm excited for you all to get to know her better and watch 888 Spa continue to grow through both of our eyes.

September has some big things coming. I leave for a week for my retreat and I seriously can't wait. Make sure you're following our Facebook business page so you can keep up with everything we've got coming.

And holy shit... I'll be 41 in three weeks.

What I thought was a fluke back in March wasn't a fluke at all. It was the beginning of what my new life was going to look like.

I've also been adding to my Glow family and my Ellie MD family. I can't thank you all enough for trusting me with your health and healing from the inside out.

Since Evan and I moved into our upgraded apartment I've been on an emotional roller coaster. I don't hide my hurts or my wild thoughts because part of my destiny is to use my big mouth for good. I've always been known as a truth speaker or a mirror, and I've been told time and time again that I've changed people's lives for the better by just being me. I've been the sounding board for more people than I could even count without even realizing how much I was impacting their lives.

My last blog was about not feeling like I'm good enough. That's really real. Inside I have this dream and this desire that isn't being reciprocated yet. I'm doing my best to fill my own cup and rewire my brain to know that I am good enough. The weird part is that now the weird shit has calmed down and life is good, my mind keeps creating internal chaos. It's just what it knows.

So this next part of my healing journey is standing firm in who I am, what I need, and what I deserve. It's definitely not easy, and it's more exhausting than I could have imagined.

My damn sinuses have been all jacked up again these last few weeks. It's been years since I had my septum fixed and my sinus cavities cleaned out. I also think the brain looping and lack of sleep have been playing a part in the inflammation my body has been carrying. Sleep deprivation makes everything feel louder. Patience gets shorter, emotions get bigger, and old survival patterns are easier to fall back into.

I've definitely been more short-fused with Evan, and I know the lack of sleep has been a huge part of that. Hopefully he can get his transfer request approved soon, but then college starts again and our schedules will change all over again.

I was hoping we'd have him in a car by now. We thought we found one, but never heard anything back. But let's be real... your autistic son getting his own car is probably going to leave me sleep deprived anyway. My anxiety will be through the roof. Losing so many people I love in car accidents changed me.

Trauma is funny. Pushing through it and choosing not to live there anymore is hard. But if I'm worth it... bet your ass you are too.

Please know you're not alone on this healing roller coaster. It's messy. It's back and forth. Then one day you look back and realize how far you've come, what you've let go of, and that your dreams aren't dreams anymore because you put the work in.

These past two weeks I keep wanting to cry over the growth and trying to grieve the old, but the tears just won't come. My eyes swell up at the weirdest times for no rhyme or reason, then I loop so hard that even AI can't keep up when I use it as my sounding board. It gets everything twisted and confused, and then I want to cry again.

There's still one piece of my life I'm trying to let go of and move forward with, but my heart just won't allow it yet. Then I stop holding the line I drew for myself and cave. Later that night or the next day, because I felt weak and like I was shrinking again, I try to grieve it. I try to cry. I try to let it out. I just can't fully let it go yet. This is real life, and I know somebody out there feels this too.

I also want you to know I'm still keeping up with my daily vlogs over on YouTube. That's where you'll find me talking about what I've got going on that day, what happened yesterday, or wherever my brain decides to take me. Sometimes it's business, sometimes healing, and sometimes another trauma loop I'm working my way through.

I honestly didn't realize how many people were following along until I missed posting. The messages asking if I was okay, what was going on, or when the next story was dropping... thank you. I appreciate every single one of them.

Speaking of stories... the last couple of months my brain just hasn't had the creativity or space to keep working on my memoir. Don't worry, I haven't stopped. It's just on pause for now. If you've been wondering where I've been in life, Birth Through Getting Pregnant With My Son is out now. Those are the moments I remember crystal clear because they shaped my trauma and helped make me who I am today. Obviously a lot more shit happened along the way, and maybe I'll just start dropping random stories as my brain continues to heal. Healing has layers like an onion. Every layer has another layer, and every layer seems to have its own spice.

When you're wired for chaos, calm feels nuts.